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I don't know if you will come to hate me, if time will twist your memories until every one of our brilliant moments together is tarnished, false, dead.

I know, at any rate, that we will never have the child we wanted.

I know that you will stop loving me.

I know that you are probably with someone else tonight. If not tonight, then soon.

I know that I am to blame.

This is what I want *you* to know. I want you to know that I have loved you since the moment we met. I want you to know that I dream about you, that I've waited for you my entire life. I want you to know that if my son didn't need me I wouldn't be able to get up tomorrow morning. I love and need you so much it physiy burns in my chest and forces me to lie on the cold tile floor of my bathroom every night until the urge to just *die* passes and I can sleep.

And dream of you.

You were the best. Under the moon, beneath the stars stuck to the ceiling of your bedroom, in all those hotel rooms across the country, at the top of that ridiculous faux-Eiffel tower in Las Vegas, at the dinners where we touched hands, in the cool water of the Atlantic Ocean.

There was never anyone like you. There never will be again.

I don't know why you made that final choice, I don't know why you picked up the , I don't know why you thought we could come together through catastrophe. I just want you to know that, no matter what happens to you, or to me, that I will never stop thinking about you, dreaming about you, loving you.

I hope you decide to wear that watch. Whatever time it shows, I am loving you.


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